Unknown Destinations

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The Road Less Traveled

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a high-strung worry book. Naturally, I became a great planner to cope with the constant anxiety of “the future”. I settled into taking familiar paths and found comfort in the illusion of control. The road less traveled seemed appealing and had all the signs of “fun” in my rebellious youth. I simply couldn’t allow myself to travel more than a couple miles of it, and dragged myself back the way I came, only slightly more curious on where it could take me.

Early 2018, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to stop planning my life in decade intervals and to have faith in the Great Unknown. Being stubborn, I did not listen to this advice. As a result, I kept experiencing the same emptiness and unfulfilling sensations.

My soul mission was starting to become clear at that time, but I kept declining the call to begin. God had a plan of His own however.

Forced Beginnings

March 2020. A pandemic hit the world, and citizens were forced to into quarantine. We were all experiencing something we did not expect or predict. How long would this last? Was the world safe? New questions arose in everyone’s mind, including my own. I knew this was going to be a setback for a lot of people. The best way I knew how to cope with this new anxiety was to distract myself from it all.

I gripped on to the illusion of control as my safety. I reworked entire weekly schedules from fitness routines to how many words I needed to write daily for my books. That only made me feel better about the direction of my life for a few weeks. By the end of May, I was exhausted, not only because of the new challenges happening in the world, but because I was living without being present.

I was looking to the future without the future being solid. It seemed everything was changing too fast, and my plans were becoming more like terrible obligations instead of optional suggestions to a 24 hour day. My physical and mental health were declining. I knew I was at wit’s end. I had to force a new beginning for myself as I waited for “normalcy” to return to the world, and even if it didn’t go back to “normal”, I knew could no longer live authentically this way. I didn’t want to live like a societal robot, only to be disappointed, sick, or die unhappy. I had to start somewhere, even if I had to go slow.

Starting Somewhere

September 2020. I went to Colorado for my 30th birthday. After spending time at home worrying about what was going to happen next, I was ecstatic to be marveling at the mountain views. Mountains have always been a reminder that my burdens are small. I decided the only real thing I would plan to do for my birthday was to have fun and let go of any expectations. And you know what?… I had a great time!

On the way back to Texas, I wrote this poem:

We may not know exactly how far we can go when we discover our soul mission. A lot of the time, it requires us to travel to unknown destinations and face our internal battles with courage. We may have to heal some things first or fight off naysayers as we move. I used to want to have the “perfect” start to any beginning, any adventure. I realized that was self-sabotage in a way. After all, Frodo began his journey rushing to pack his bags, and he really had no idea where he was going. He ended up playing a significant role for Middle Earth!

It took me until November, the very end of November, to start this blog. Although I was planning to do more by this time of year, I have come a long way from the beginning of 2020 in many aspects. We all have if you think about it. If you are reading this, you have made it through an entire year of uncertainty, unplanned chaos, and life changing events.

This year gifted me a new perspective on what to do with my human life. I can only keep going from here.

Despite the struggles, emotions, and fears you’ve had to face this year, you’ve become stronger, even if you don’t see it right now. I hope you will look at your unfinished, passion projects and start to feel inspired again. Maybe you’ll wipe the slate clean and start anew. Maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that the thing you didn’t complete wasn’t what you wanted to create to begin with. No matter what, I hope you start to feel better about where you are currently. You are a survivor. Your talents were given to you for a purpose.

We can only start where we are today and where we end up tomorrow.

Angie Vargas. 2022. All rights reserved.